


im a fake (but maybe not anymore)

by angstgremlin



Series: vent fics (hooray) [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Also I did like zero editing, Blood, Im regretting making a vent fic my first fic but whatever, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's not super graphic but talks about it a lot in the second half, Self-Harm, Suicide, Tommy centric, Tommyinnit is my comfort streamer and spirit animal so guess who I'm projecting on, Very very venty, no beta we die like men, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:20:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27477169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstgremlin/pseuds/angstgremlin
Summary: A fake.A liar.A beggar.A seeker.Tommy doesn't know what he is but God he hates it.
Relationships: no :)
Series: vent fics (hooray) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2098746
Comments: 29
Kudos: 283





	im a fake (but maybe not anymore)

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyyy first fic guys
> 
> SO some trigger warnings, we have self-loathing, self-harm, suicide, all that jazz so if you are in anyway uncomfortable or triggered by these topics than feel free to skip out. I care about your guys' safety so don't feel bad about it!
> 
> This is a very venty fic so it might be weird in some parts but my brain threw up while trying to do school so here's my contribution to the angst train.
> 
> Tommyinnit is my comfort streamer so if he is in any way uncomfortable with these kinds of fics I will take this down.
> 
> I write these for myself and not for validation but I thrive on kudos and comments so feel free to leave them if you want :)
> 
> Enjoy!

He’s a fake.

He’s a liar.

He’s begging for attention.

Seeking sympathy.

A fake.

A liar.

A beggar.

A seeker.

\---

Tommy knows he’s a fake the day he sees some vent-y tumblr post about being depressed and thinks _I wish I had depression_.

At least then it could explain him.

He knows it’s not true, of course. Tommyinnit doesn’t have depression. He just feels sad for a while and just wants a cool story to tell.

He doesn’t have depression. But he feels the never-ending guilt of wishing he did.

\--

Tommy knows he’s a liar when he tells Tubbo over vc that he doesn’t think he’s doing very well.

Tubbo of course does everything he can to make him feel better. Tells him that he’ll be there for him. That he should never hesitate to ask for help. That he cares for him.

Tommy revels in that feeling. He hates that he does.

He’s a fake. A liar. He’s lying to his best friend and he can’t even regret it.

\---

Tommy knows he’s begging for attention when he asks Will for help. He’s crying, he thinks. But why is he? There’s no reason. He’s fine. He’s normal. If he has anything it’s mild enough he can deal with it on his own.

But he tells Wilbur anyway. He listens as Will talks to him softly. Comforts him as he cries. Tells him that it’s normal to feel like this sometimes. That it’s fine if he feels like it all the time.

He doesn’t feel it all the time though. There are good moments. There are good days. There are good weekends. There are good weeks. He shouldn’t be complaining. Everyone else has it worse.

He tries to drown himself in the attention he’s getting. How Will texts him a bit more often. How Tubbo calls him more. How he gets involved in more activities.

He hates how his lies did this. He hates himself for lying.

He vaguely thinks to himself: _I want to kill myself_.

And he hates himself for thinking that too.

\---

Tommy knows he’s seeking sympathy when he ‘confesses’ on a voice chat with the others. Wilbur, Techno, Phil. He’s telling them the story he created in his mind when he stayed up on long nights. Things that explained the actions he regrets. Things that will make people feel bad for him.

He stays up on those nights dreaming about different worlds. Different scenarios.

How would people react if he told everyone he was depressed?

How would people react if he told everyone he was suicidal?

How would people react if he killed himself?

He imagines that finally, _finally_ , people would think about him a bit more. The people that were mean to him would feel bad. The people who cared for him would cry. They would think _why didn’t we notice?_

He knows why they wouldn’t notice the signs. He knows he’s making up the signs. He knows he’s creating a land inside his head.

He tells the vc he thinks he’s depressed and his stomach rises with guilt.

He’s not depressed.

He’s not suicidal.

He’s not going to kill himself.

He tells them he thinks he’s depressed and they fall over themselves to comfort him. To give him kind words.

He knows if he says anything more he’ll regret it more than he regrets living in the first place. So he lets them comfort him. He lets them offer their help. He lets them try and involve him more. He lets them check up on him.

He doesn’t let them find out he’s lying.

\---

Tommy knows he’s begging for attention when he allows them to convince him to go to counseling.

He knows he’s begging for attention when he’s open with the therapist.

People who actually need therapy aren’t this open. He’s researched enough to know that people who go to therapy for the reason he claims he is isn’t this honest.

He’s not honest of course. He doesn’t tell her how the guilt is eating him alive. He doesn’t tell her how he was lying the whole time.

He doesn’t tell her how he doesn’t even know if he’s lying or not anymore.

\---

Tommy knows he’s a liar when he lies awake at night wondering when his life turned like this. Is he still romanticizing the idea of being depressed and suicidal or is he actually?

He genuinely doesn’t know if he’s lying anymore.

Is he lying when he says he isn’t lying?

His brain is so full of other universes. Of other scenarios. It’s hard to know when the lying started and when the lying stopped.

He can’t stand anymore lies.

\---

Tommy knows he’s still a fake when he looks too long at the pair of cuticle scissors too long.

He knows he’s a fake when he starts to unscrew the blade from his pencil sharpener before realizing what he’s doing and throws it away.

He knows he’s a fake when he fishes the blade back out of the bin.

He knows he’s a fake when he uses it on his arm for the first time and cries from the pain and regret.

He knows he’s a fake when he does it again.

And again.

And again.

\---

Tommy knows he’s a fake when he scratches at the old scars on his arms.

Tommy knows he’s a liar when he starts to write suicide notes.

Tommy knows he’s begging for attention when he cuts himself so deep the blood flows.

Tommy knows he’s seeking sympathy when he closes his eyes for the last time.

Tommy knows he’s not faking anymore but he can’t bring himself to care.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sad I didn't get to 1k words but I wrote this in twenty minutes and really don't want to ruin what I have here. 
> 
> If you got this far, thank youuuu!
> 
> Ok bye <3


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